My friends often come to me for guy advice, guys seem to be attracted to me and I like to consider myself confident, fun and nice. So how can a relationship with a nice guy who I am compatible with and who I have mutual feelings for go so wrong? To be perfectly honest with myself I effed up... Like in the movie 'How to lose a guy in 10 days' I made mistakes that every girl makes and I learned probably one of the most important lessons that I will ever learn. However unlike in the movie my happy ending was not reconciliation. This was the first time that I had seriously hit the self destruct button. I ruined something I really wanted. So I thought to myself if I can stop myself or even one other person from ever having this happen to them again then I need to share the lessons I learned.
So here is a little background info, I met hot guy (he put his number in my phone as that when we first met on the dance floor at my uni club) in October. I had little interest in him but spurred on by my friends as he was indeed a hot guy we exchanged numbers. Some time later he called me and asked me out and although apprehensive we met up, despite a few mishaps such as me screaming like the baby I am on a small kids fun fair ride, we clicked. We spoke on the phone the following night for hours and this carried on. So here is where I made:
Mistake number 1, like every girl I wanted him to think I was perfect but I went a little too far. I
lied, I lied to fit into what I thought he wanted. I lied by never voicing my own opinions.
I agreed with EVERYTHING he said. I also made out to be this completely unrealistically good girl. I presented myself as the
shy, prude, reserved wifey type who found it
hard to let people in. This is SO not me. In fact if you ask any of my best friends to describe me they will most probably use the words crazy or confident.
Despite this I was relatively confident over the phone and about 70% myself with him. He drove a long way to visit me for our next date. This is where it all started to go wrong I made:
Mistake number 2, I barely greeted him at the door, I was
shy and embarrassed by him striding up and ringing on the doorbell. I was used to the kind of guy who sits in his car and expects you to fondle with the door handle whilst they unlock the car and play on their phone. I was awkward, I had grown to like him and
the more I liked him the less myself I became. I also really fancied him, I could barely look him in the eyes. This was SO not me, I had turned into some weird version of myself. I was making some odd excuses for my behaviour,
pretending this was in my character. I kept saying I would warm up?!?!?
As time went on, and we had been for drinks I loosened up a bit and things started to improve. He asked if I would stay like this until our next date and I promised I would. I was fine on our long phone chats but when we next met up I made:
Mistake number 3: I was introduced to his best friends girlfriend and I happen to be quite a guy's girl so was nervous. I was so desperate they liked me, I
completely ignored hot guy. I was
shy and overly conscious of everything I was saying and doing. My being myself percentage had dropped to about 30%.
The next date was attending his friend's birthday.
Mistake number 4: Being late. This annoys boys, I delayed everyone. It came across as rude and selfish but in fact it was nerves. I wanted it to be just me and him, I wasn't ready.
Mistake number 5: Getting too drunk. I was nervous, it was embarrassing and unattractive.
Mistake number 6: Girls approached him, he told them he was with me. I got jealous, I
flirted with other guys in front of him.
Mistake number 7: I was cold to his friends. I was just shy but it did not come across well.
Mistake number 8: I belittled him to make myself feel less insecure. I was
bitchy and ganged up with the other girl. In fact I isolated myself with this girl because I was worrying he no longer liked me. I made him feel as though I didn't like him. I acted as though he was clingy.
Mistake number 9: I paid him no attention and ignored all his advances. I felt ready to be with him emotionally and physically but I did not act on this. Every relationship book and friend says wait, wait, wait...
Mistake number 10: I took advice from girls and ignored my instincts.
Mistake number 11: I nagged him and had a go at him about talking to other girls.
Needless to say the situation just got worse and worse.
Mistake number 12: I spoke about our feelings and issues unnecessarily
Mistake number 13: I recoiled in order to try to prevent myself getting hurt. I suggested being friends although I wanted nothing less. I fancied him SO much, friends would never work! Whatsmore he still wanted to continue things. I ended up getting more hurt...
Mistake number 14: I went on and on and on and on about our 'problems'... We weren't even in a relationship.
I continued being weird and wkward throughout this time, he barely knew the real me. I then went from never messaging him first to
Mistake number 15: Drunk calling and texting
Mistake number 16: Trying to make him jealous through Facebook
Mistake number 17: Trying to get his attention negative or otherwise My best friend Kaz posted a photo about quitting it before hitting it on my wall. I became obsessed with winning him back in all the wrong ways.
Mistake number 18: Damaging the male ego. The photo basically indirectly called him gay. This way bitchy, pathetic, desperate and immature but hey I was hurting. This was the FINAL STRAW... he liked the photo then deleted me.
I learned a lot of lessons in this short time unfortunately I did this through making a lot of mistakes. The main problem was that for the first time in a long time I genuinely liked someone. After the break down of this relationship I spoke to a few exes who I remain friends with. They all said that I was a completely different person now that I was myself with them. They also all liked me a lot better now. I of course learned never to make these mistakes again but the single most important thing I learned was to
just be myself. I mean they're always going to find out eventually. I also learned to be
much more mature, to throw away my copy of
the rules after the initial stages of the relationship. Whilst being more mature, I learned to just
be kind, warm and friendly no guy likes bitchiness and catty girls together quite frankly petrifies boys. I learned to
drop the wall, no defence mechanisms needed. The heart can recover from pretty much anything. So as they say another bites the dust. I can safely say I will never forget this one. He was a huge lesson and I kind of wish I could thank him for that.
So now... I'm happy and over it, although I occasionally think about him. He was hot guy after all. I called him after the Facebook thing and apologised for posting it. He said he forgave me but he sounded hurt and he didn't re add me. I just wanted to try be mature about it all and get closure. It's funny because to him this would have been such alien behaviour from me as I was so shy. I am now back with an ex, M, although it's long distance. He has always been in the background, he is my best friend and I also really fancy him so the best of both worlds! I am completely honest and myself with him although I have been known to be late once or twice...
Hot guy and I
M and I
This is now my phone lock screen background!
Hope you can relate and this helps! Wish you all lots of love and happiness
Bisous,
A x
